Harry 'Stu' James Potter
by XiXIXiX
Summary: The Unspeakables. A separate entity of the wizarding government. a branch on the inside of the Unspeakable sect is the department of Records and Accounting. they record traumatic instances in history and harry potter's life is one of those 'instances'.


**yo! whats up? i have made a *gasp* harry potter comedy fic! Suprise!**

**anyway, i do not own harry potter, yada yada yada, i do own the unspeakables mentioned though.**

**i would also like to credit my beta, empyreal phoenix, for helping me make this!**

** here's a guide to the following:**

_italics: the autoquill off on a tangent or having a mind of its own. does not apply to mistakes made or grammatical errors. only when its acting like a real person._

(these): (thoughts made by unspeakable, and written down by autoquill. written during the event.)

[these]: [made after unspeakable has proof read the document.]

[(these)]: [(thoughts made during editing process)]

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><p>Harry 'Stu' James Potter<p>

Chapter 1: The Job

It was night unlike any other night. The stars were bright in the sky, the moon was shining on a fabulous October night, and evil wizards were breaking and entering into homes. _(Wait, that's not correct now, is it? I mean, the definition of a normal night is the average activity of all living beings [most notably the race of Homo sapien sapiens] across the planet during said nighttime, and wizards breaking and entering certainly does not fit that description_[I knew I shouldn't have set my auto quill to record everything… had to go ahead and give a (wrong) definition. I was thinking at the time as well!]!).

Now then, as I was saying, evil and terrifying wizards were breaking into the premises of another wizarding family. What family? Why, none other than the Potter family's hideaway that kept them protected (or so they thought) from said evil wizards on said non-average night. You see, the leader of this band of merry-goers that raided and pilfered would be the malicious Lord Goldsmith. Wait, no, it was Lord Voldemort (My records are getting mixed up again. My boss likes to give us false info sometimes to test our awareness on the field. Really, it's just a pain in the butt). Anyway, He and his band of followers attacked the little hidey hole and, as you would expect, killed the adults with little to no mercy. (I know that there are errors in that sentence. My boss is going to kill me.)

Returning to the topic, the evil lord murdered the adult Potters and proceeded to kill the little baby boy. But he survived (no, not the Dark Lord, the boy). Unsurprisingly, as was prophesied, he survived the killing curse and defeated the Dark Lord, and all rejoiced at his survival (I remember the office party we had. Our boss promised us cake, using a Time-Turner to come back to the present with some. But, alas, the cake was a lie, and we instead feasted on the marvelous delicacy of the potato. Wizarding potatoes of course, so they were surprisingly very good).

You may be wondering who I am at this point. Who am I to tell a story of such magnitude as this? Well, you may call me Amnoor Notusyll. This is, as you may have guessed, an alias. What you may not have guessed, however, is that I work for the Department of Mysteries. My most recent job has been to watch and record the trials and errors of the Potter family, most notably the recent scion of that line, and record the details of what happened, without interfering with the going-ons of his life. I received this job right after the prophecy was made and was assigned with a fellow compatriot to watch one of the two possible candidates. (I feel sorry for my friend Kirk [also an alias] though, he has to record the life of the Longbottom boy. Unlikely he will do anything with his life!) I decided to take on the Potters, and he, well, let's say he had a very boring time with his watch.

I had watched from the shadows as the Dark Lord entered the house and decimated it. I couldn't do anything about this though, as I could lose my job (as in, no messing with history, no causing changes in events, no doing this, no doing that, blah-blah-blah. It really is a stupid rule and because of that, I really hate my job sometimes. I can only imagine what Bob of our division had to go through when he had to watch Grinderwalt [Grindelwald. My quill certainly likes to make up facts. It's even connected to the wizarding library back at the ministry!] in his rise to power. Such is the life of an Unspeakable). The Dark Lord killed both Potters and moved onto the boy. He aimed his wand at the boy, and he fired a shot of green death at him. I saw it rebound (probably the only third party to witness such an event) and the spell killed the caster of technique. The Dark Lord's spirit escaped his body and exited in a mildly creepy manner. I recorded these findings and continued to watch under the safety of the standard issue Unspeakable Invisibility Cloak Deluxe, (which included features such as an emergency port key, being fire proof up to 4000 degrees Kelvin, being water proof, having air-conditioning, functioning in space, indestructibility, telling time, having near infinite storage space, and I could go on and on about the features of this nifty little thing, but that would consume a lot of space on this document, wouldn't it?) and I saw who my records indicated as Hagrid (as courtesy of the UCD, as I shall call my cloak from now on) take the baby away on his flying motorcycle. I quickly grabbed onto the back of said ride and observed as it stopped in a muggle suburb, where, who could have (not) guessed (I mean, whenever I look at his record, Dumbledore is mentioned every other sentence!), Albus 'the King of Wizarding' Dumbledore was (I never really met the man before. I went to Durmstrang [not really as bad as people would think it would be. It was cold, sure, but not bad by any means], and that was a school nickname we had given the old wizard).

I waited and saw the transaction of words and recorded them, and I watched as he placed the baby on the porch (not really the best place to put a baby. I mean, what if McGonagall had not been there to confirm the muggles had been there?) and gave his final blessings to the boy. (Little did I know, the poor Unspeakable from Records and Accounting, would record the legend of the soon to be Harry 'Stu' James Potter. Hooray for me…)

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><p><strong>now, please review so i can become a better author!<strong>


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